tomorrow never comes

daily emergiser

There’s no point in worrying about tomorrow, because if you think about it, tomorrow never comes. My beautiful, bring yourself back to today and make today your priority.

Snugglies…

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conversing telepathically

daily emergiser

It’s crazy how something so important can be overlooked so much of the time. I know that most people should’ve caught up with telepathy and be able to read your mind by now but the fact of the matter is they can’t.

I think it was once referred to as the art of conversation.

Did you hear what I said? Ssssh, I’m listening.

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unplanned, unexpected and so worth it

My brothers latest chilled house mix (http://soundcloud.com/will-jacques/delectable) is filling the garden with smooth beats. Maud, the one year old beagle is at my feet, sunning herself, whilst Harry, her 6 year old father, is chilling out in the shade. My brother Will and his wife Lucy, are putting the finishing touches to your roast and the sweet aroma is making my mouth water, probably even more so after my detox.

Now I start to get a little deep.

Yeah this is the life, an unexpected, unplanned, sundrenched Sunday afternoon with the family. Even had a catch up with Dad this morning, he gave me a poem he wrote 9 years ago. It’s a bit wierd because we didn’t really talk then, well not that we didn’t ‘really’, we just didn’t. He said writing it helped him get through me not being around, but he feels different now which is why I can read it. I think I’ll read it on the train home, it’s probably gonna be soo easy, but I’m not quite ready yet, so just in case.

Now for the enlightenment. Every day is a gift you know, even more so now. I don’t know why, but the older I get the appreciative I am. I’m just grateful to be here, for my family, my friends, my lovers, my mission.

Oh bugger, I’m gonna bear my soul with you guys for second if thats ok? So we had the funeral on Friday, for Nana. My uncle was there. I hadn’t seen him since mum died, 23 years ago and yet the funny thing was we clicked like it was just yesterday. He said something so beautiful to Will and I. He said how proud Mum would be of both of us. I love my life and love what I do so when I hear things like that, it makes it all the more worth it.

Aaaanyway.

So this bearing my soul thing. I don’t mean to do it this much, you’re also meant to be experiencing my funny side and how I’m lighter than life and all that bollox…when I say bollox I’m talking about bollox in the way that life can’t be constantly incredible, we have to have our struggles to know we’ve got our joy’s right?…that’s what I mean. Well you see I am, most of the time actually like that, an incredibly positive person, but sometimes I’m human, and it looks like right now is one of those times. Maybe it’s something to do with the planets, isn’t Saturn doing something weird right now, like moving? Oh I don’t know. I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable when you read this, that’s not why I’m doing it. Actually I don’t know why I’m doing it but it feels natural so if it’s ok with you, I’ll carry on. Not now but maybe another day. For now you can start to breathe again (phew)…

On a lighter note, I’ll leave you with this thought (if indeed you’ve got this far and if you have, then thanks for reading, I probably wouldn’t have if I were you but then I’m not so it’s fine).

If you always had the choice of spending your time doing something you love or something you hate, it would be a no-brainer wouldn’t it. So why do we so often in life choose to spend our thinking time, thinking about the worst that can happen, instead of about the best that can happen. If you knew that you couldn’t lose, would it then also be a no-brainer? I thought so. In which case you know what to do, and if you need a clue, it all starts with how you think. Ponder on that for a while.

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it’s all in the thighs

As my thighs tighten around her body, she knew what to do, we didn’t need words. Our communication, connection was deeper than that, it was a relationship based on trust. We’d only just met but we knew straight away there was a bond. She let me do things to her that she wouldn’t let most people do.

Using my body, I spoke to her and she listened. It was our first time so we took it gently, making sure we were both happy with every move. Everytime we took it to the next level, our bond strengthened. Our hearts beating faster, perspiration starting to drip off our bodies, not only were we connecting but we were getting a work out as well!

Oi cheeky, it’s not what you’re thinking!

Her name is Heather, she’s a chestnut mare, an ex racehorse and the pride and joy of my sister in law, Lucy. And now she was my new friend, my new connected friend.

When I was younger, I was always around horses. Always riding, grooming and loving them. I even got into the Uni riding team and went competing up and down the country with my trusty stead, Tim. Now Tim, oh wow, he was a looker alright. A huge chestnut gelding with his 4 white socks, an ex show jumping title under his belt, he knew he was something.

But then something happened, my attention changed direction. Boys came along in a big way and the dancefloor could be heard callling my name at all hours. Yeah you could say I was slightly distracted in those days but more about that another time..

I never lost the longing though, not really. It’s funny how wanting something may not be enough to get it but it sure is an incredible start. I decided on Thursday that I wanted to connect with horses again. Saturday arrives and the touching story of Heather and Emma begins.

Life is good, my friends, life is very good.

the little black dress, with a twist

It’s rush hour on the London to Solihull train, there are suits everywhere. Singles slump into their seat with the relief of the days’ end, whilst colleagues continue with the office chat. Whose at the meeting tomorrow. Did you notice how long they were gone today, you know the score.

And here I am, a sore thumb sticking out. My suitcase on one seat and me squeezed into the other. Yeah yeah I know what you’re thinking but it was too big to go overhead and there wasn’t a suitcase rack. I think I’ve got on the cheaper train today. Dirty windows. Cramped leg room. Well put it this way, it’s not one of Richard’s Virgins that’s for sure.

Oh no. That’s disgusting. Lunchtime drinking hey, it’s a killer every time. Come on guys please. At least try some gum or aftershave or something. That does make me wonder though. Don’t they have friends to tell them they smell? The booze oozing suit from yesterday certainly didn’t.

By the way, I don’t have anything against people wearing suits. I don’t like wearing them myself but I do enjoy them. Many a fine moment my eyes have been allowed to gaze a little too long on a fit tailored number. But when I say ‘suit’ you know exactly what I mean. If I’m honest I simply can’t be bothered saying ‘professional workers’ every time.

Oh my god, the guy next to me has really hairy knuckles.

So I’m heading to a funeral. It’s my Nana’s. In the morning. It’s a weird one really because I’m not entirely sure how I feel. I mean I know I feel sad. She was an amazing Nana. But it’s more than that. There’s something else.

I’ll always remember Nana as the one that made me smile. Nana would always have treats for us. Give us special attention every time we saw her. She always had that soft feminine Nana smell. Gave the best hugs, really tight so you could hardly breathe. I’ll miss those hugs. Nana was a dancer, an elegant dancer. She fed honey to an injured bumble bee. Would nurse sick birds. Tortoises. Rabbits. Newts. Tadpoles. That was the kind of Nana she was. I will miss Nana. I will miss Nana a lot. That’s normal. I don’t think it’s that.

Things are different now. I’m a daughter again. I haven’t been a daughter for over 20 years. We’re a family again. Me, Will and Dad. Now we support each other, we support Dad. Being there for him when he needs to talk. Checking in to see if he needs anything. To listen. To support. That’s what you do. So I don’t think it’s that.

Maybe it’s this. Maybe it’s Nana dying on Mum’s birthday. The day to celebrate Mum getting older. Mum would’ve been 45 today. 55 and 60. The day where I imagine how she would’ve celebrated. What crazy adventure she would’ve gone on. What party she would’ve thrown. This was a good day. A good day to self indulge, in the make believe world of ‘normality’. Yeah, maybe it’s that.